Starting The Year With Another Miscarriage
We hadn't even processed the information before it was taken from us. There was only about a week between the faint line on the positive pregnancy test to when the bleeding started. On the first day I felt okay... I think. A little numb, a little sad, a little shocked. Everything happened so fast. I'm still sorting out all of the emotions, my thoughts bouncing around, not knowing where to land.
Are we supposed to feel sad even if we barely knew about it? If it wasn't for early pregnancy tests we wouldn't have even known. We would've thought this was just a late period. So I shouldn't be upset, right? The baby probably didn't even have a heartbeat yet... so does that make it different? Can I even call it a baby? Will this little baby be in heaven with Sparrow, even if it was lost at such an early stage? Does Sparrow have a sibling to play with now? I feel fine right now. Is that bad? Oh. But then there's the blood... and the vivid flashbacks to the miscarriage with Sparrow. Oh my heart. My heart aches so badly for Sparrow. Am I even sad about this baby, or is this is just making me miss Sparrow more? I don't know. But I have that 'loss' sensation lingering inside me in the background. It's as if my body + my soul knows that a little life has been taken, and it mourns. It battles against my mind that's armed with logic. I'm also relieved. I'm relieved that it happened this early and not later on like last time. But if we never lost Sparrow, maybe this would hurt more? Is it just the perspective that's making it less devastating? On the contrary, maybe I feel even more sad because we've had a loss before, and so recently. And wait... what if we aren't meant to have anymore babies? Should we just stop trying and save ourselves the heartbreak?
A friend of mine gave me the beautiful advice to let myself feel whatever emotions come and then release them. It's simple but powerful and just what I needed, because the warrior in me wants to just make sense of everything, instead of being so confused about how I feel.
I'm leaning into the truth that life is so good and there is so much to be thankful for. I'm holding onto my boys, I'm bottling up their laughter. I'm breathing fresh air and getting outside as often as possible. I'm hugging my hubby a few seconds longer than usual. This wasn't the happiest start to the year for us but I'm not going to let it set the tone for 2018. There are hard days ahead but I'm choosing to live with open arms and a whole lot of gratitude.
Thanks for reading.